Let’s talk through this Jurassic Jumble

SPOILERS EVERYWHERE. SERIOUSLY. STOP READING UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM OR IF YOU NEVER PLAN ON WATCHING IT.

Pre Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Mood:

I’m so excited. I love Jurassic Park. I love dinosaurs. I love Jeff Goldblum. Chris Pratt is pretty much an Avenger now. And the main villain is an impending volcanic eruption. If they had done market research on just me to come up with ideas for the next Jurassic World movie, they would’ve come up with that same exact plot ¹.

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Now for a few quick trailer takes:

Mission Impossible: Fallout  —- I am putting the over/under at 15 minutes into the movie that Ethan Hunt reaches the deductible limit on his health insurance.

Ant-Man and the Wasp —- It’s unfortunate they can’t name the villain “The Terminator”.

The Grinch — 2018’s version of How the Grinch stole Christmas the Holidays!

Robin Hood — “Previously on CW’s Arrow…”

A Star is Born – This week’s exercise in Mad Libs: An aging rock star, played by Bradley Cooper, discovers a talented young singer, played by Lady Gaga. The budding singer’s father is played by Andrew Dice Clay while the rock star’s friend and close confidant is played by Dave Chappelle.

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Post Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Mood:

I’m so hilariously confused as to what transpired in the last hour of this movie. As a reference, I pride myself on my ability to suspend disbelief. Sign me up, right now, to go see and enjoy any Transformers movie that’ll debut from now till eternity². There’s nothing in the Fast and Furious universe that’d make me bat an eye³.  Therefore, I feel obliged to opine on a couple aspects of the last half of Fallen Kingdom because I’m starting to question my Jurassic Park fandom⁴:

1. The set up of the of the second act of the movie, or what I like to think of as Luigi’s Mansion meets The Land Before Time meets WWE’s Hell in a Cell. After our heroes help “rescue” the dinosaurs from the volcano, our heroes have to rescue them again from being auctioned off to your standard stock of scum⁵ in the basement of a baller castle owned by the other founder of the original Jurassic Park. The other founder is eventually murdered when he finds out there’s a literal underground dinosaur smuggling ring in his basement. As expected, there’s a raucous and one dumb decision leads to another dumb decision leads to a bloodthirsty, roided out, giant Yoshi Indo-Raptor running around the mansion stuffing his face full of both the standard stock of scum and the standard stock of mercenaries needed to hold an underground dino-auction. It’s also important to note, the Indo-Raptor was only created to be a weaponized dinosaur assassin.

MINOR ISSUES:

1. How come no one ever puts actual number locks on dinosaur cages? What sort of team building exercises did this crime syndicate complete to warrant the type of unwavering confidence where even the lowliest turd at the bottom of the org chart is trusted not to screw anything up??

2. I’m certain most of the countries the standard stock of scum originate from are on the current Administration’s travel ban⁶.

3. The Indo-Raptor is eventually killed by Blue, our favorite velociraptor, when she drives the Indo through the ceiling impaling her onto the horns of some fossilized dinosaur directly below them⁷. The fall through the ceiling was shown in slow motion, and to be honest it was kinda epic when Blue sticks the landing. On second thought, I’m completely fine with this.

 

MAJOR ISSUE:

The benefits of weaponizing a dinosaur into a pseudo-assassin are way too limited to justify any demand to own one. First, is the Indo-Raptor single-use or multi-use? If I was to own one, I need strong assuredness it’ll come back after mauling my nemesis. Second, what type of mobility restrictions are there? If my nemesis was to board a ship or a plane would my Indo be able to follow? There is zero historical data or even any anecdotal evidence to speak to the efficacy of the Indo in the field. Third, I’ll want to accessorize. At the very least, I need a pterosaur add-on feature to enable fast travel⁸. Does the Indo’s camera have night vision or portrait mode? Is there even a front facing camera??

However much fun it would may sound to be an early adopter of killer dino-tech, it is such a reckless purchase. No hard-earned dollars should be spent on such an amateur product. If the Russian oligarchs are smart enough to manipulate the government of a country with a $1 trillion GDP for long lasting returns, they should know it’s still a no brainer to hire any Jason Statham character for their assassinating needs. Ditto for the arms-dealers. It takes exceptional minds with expertise in supply chain management to balance several weapons inventories on a global level. Just pay John Wick whatever he wants to come out of retirement. Come on scum! Every single one of your financial advisors should’ve recommended waiting for the Indo-Raptor 4/4s generation at the earliest before having any discussion on potential ROI.

As irrationally exuberant the black market dinosaur auction was, character decision-making only deteriorated from there.          

2. The conclusion’s ethical conundrum, or as what I like to think of as DOES ANYONE IN HOLLYWOOD CARE ABOUT THE YOUNGLINGS??? After the disaster that was the dinosaur auction, our heroes must decide what to do with the remaining ones trapped in the basement. Unfortunately, there’s been a gas leak and they only have a few precious minutes before the dinosaurs’ air reaches toxic levels. Fortunately, Maisie has just learned she was created with the same cloning technology as the dinosaurs. Instinctively siding with her kind, she opens up the basement door and lets the dinosaurs run wild in Northern California. If you had begun to get a familiar funny feeling at this point in the movie it’s because you felt the same uneasiness while watching Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, Titanic, every zombie apocalypse movie, and Spider-Man 3. Without exception, you knew something bad was going to happen.

Minor Issue:

The major reveal of Maisie’s true origin has the rare combination of the heavy handedness of every West Wing episode⁹ and with the extremely unnecessary 15 minutes included in every West Wing episode¹⁰. I didn’t need a 10 year old girl finding out she’s not really human, in the climactic moment of a Jurassic Park movie, to know that cloning and gene editing do in fact have ethical consequences. The question and answer flow chart is pretty simple: Should we clone dinosaurs? Of course, dinosaurs are really cool! Should we clone humans? Probably not. Overpopulation and limited resources will attract the attention of Thanos, and he’ll try to wipe out half the population.

Major Issue:

Letting the monsters go free is indefensible. No one should’ve let Maisie near the garage door opener. She just found out she’s not human. She’s without a doubt been compromised. We don’t know what clone thoughts are running through that artificially created head¹¹. Our heroes blundered.

Let’s examine the economic fallout and human cost of the dino-escape. Economically, real estate markets are going to take a massive hit. There aren’t too many places to live that are completely dino-proof. Any probability of a dinosaur being able to wiggle its way into my neighborhood completely destroys the value of every property in that neighborhood. How many landmines does it take to create a minefield? The answer is none! It just takes a sign stating there maybe a mine here. I’m not taking that risk. Sign me up for the first flight to Mars.

Now, for the hardest point to overlook: Younglings are going to be murdered again¹². Going to school is dangerous enough in America. Tomorrow’s front page headline is going to read: “Dino-rights activists can rejoice! A pack of velociraptors chomp down on a group of unsuspecting 4th graders at a local bus stop. Another victory for ‘Survival of the Fittest’!”. I don’t even need Aaron Sorkin to methodically break down the pros and cons of letting some dinosaurs go free versus little Abby and sweet JJ getting mauled at recess by a bored T. Rex. The weight of every child killed at the hands of a dinosaur is solely on the hands of our heroes.

I did not think Maisie was going to turn to the dark side, but as so happens in some Episode IIs: “Begun the Clone Wars has”¹³. If we do get a Clones vs Humans story line in Jurassic World III, please get the The Rock on board. He’s realistically the only one I see cleanly pinning a dinosaur. But that’s probably not going to happen, so I’m ecstatic to reveal that the conclusion of my first movie analysis ¹⁴ is, in the case of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom,:

That Movie Blows! 

 

Thanks for reading a ThatMovieBlows! analysis. Please let us know what you think, don’t think, or whatever.

1. What if we did a giant volcano monster like in Thor: Ragnarok, but in Jurassic World???
2. The introduction of a Prime after life astral plane in Revenge of the Fallen? I can roll with that.
3. Though, I do need a Fast and Furious origin movie where we see Dom complete a stint with the Navy Seals or Army Rangers to explain his borderline special forces skill set.
4. Or I’m maturing into a real human with actual grown up tastes. I will cry if that’s the case.
5. Russian oligarchs, Slovenian arms dealers, Pharmaceutical executives (lol), etc.
6. Dinosaurs existing is totally believable, but I cannot wrap my head around unfettered travel and weak borders in today’s political climate.
7. a la Undertaker vs Mankind’s Hell in a Cell match during 1998’s King of the Ring.
8. My ideal assassin would be closer to a Ringwraith or a Dementor.
9. Please Aaron Sorkin, tell me how I should feel about every major hot button issue plaguing society!
10. Please Aaron Sorkin, tell me how difficult it is to have meaningful relationships while being married to my work!
11. My initial thought while she was pushing the button: I wouldn’t be opposed if Jurassic World turns out to be a West World prequel. Ford is secretly controlling the clones and leading the dinosaurs to the Valley Beyond. I’m intrigued.
12. Letting Anakin train to be a Jedi and letting the dinosaurs go free are equivalent blunders
13. Obviously read in your best Yoda impression
14. Or spotlight. Or moonlight. Hopefully, better name to come