2019 Oscars: Some Final Thoughts and Predictions

The Oscars are on Sunday so I figured we should discuss. Well. Not so much discuss as me informing you on what to expect. Every year, we see roughly the same thing. Kind of funny monologue by a comedian host¹, performances by the Best Original Song nominees, some CGI moment, a couple awkward presenters, and a disappointing Best Picture winner. We’ll get most of that this year, no doubt, but here’s what else is going on this year:

Things you should know:

• The academy is trying to keep the show to three hours max this year! Ha! What a joke! If they think it won’t be 11:59 when Best Picture is announced, they’re out of their minds. But how will they accomplish their lofty goal? Well…
• Several awards will be presented during commercial breaks². Now, as much as I love watching a clip from short films that I will 99% never watch, I don’t need to see this. Good call Academy.
  • UPDATE: The Academy has folded and all awards will be presented as usual and not during commercial breaks. I can smell a midnight finish…
• There will be NO HOST this year. Big shocker, I know. As much as I would like to pray for a great opening monologue with some musical number attached to it, we likely would be let down again. So might as well cut out 15 minutes at the start, right? But could you actually imagine the first presenter walking out at 8:01 and handing out the first award immediately? That would just be uncomfortable. Well, maybe we’ll get something else. There was a rumor back in January could solve everything…
• THE AVENGERS MIGHT BE THERE. JOINT HOSTING. COULD YOU EVER WANT ANYTHING MORE EVER IN THE WHOLE WORLD?!?! I couldn’t. I hope it happens. I’m going to be so happy.³

Top 3 Snubs

1. The entire soundtrack from A Star is Born. One nominee?! Are you kidding?? Shallow is going to win for Best Original Song, but what about the others? I don’t even think it’s the best song on the Album⁴! There’s just no way these songs from The Ballad of Buster Scruggs and Mary Poppins Returns are better than any of the songs from A Star is Born. Snubbed out of at least two more nominations. What a shame.
2. Bradley Cooper for Best Director. I mean… come on. This feels oddly reminiscent of when Ben Affleck didn’t get the nomination for Best Director at the Oscars despite winning the award at the Globes. I KNOW. The Globes are a joke and shouldn’t even be in the conversation here, but my boy Bradley deserves it, and this is a travesty.
3. Every movie not named Black Panther. Here’s the deal. Black Panther getting nominated for Best Picture is a slap in the face to movies everywhere. Here’s why:

For years, the box office blockbuster crowd has been clamoring for superhero movies to get nominated for Best Picture. It got so bad after The Dark Knight a decade ago that the Academy decided to expand the Best Picture nominee list beyond a maximum of five. I actually liked this decision, but no superhero movie has come close to reaching Best Picture notoriety until 2018 with Black Panther.

The Academy’s latest attempt to appease audiences came with the addition of a new category in “Popular Film” this past year. But they weren’t fooling anyone. With this category, they could throw in the likes of Black Panther, Mission Impossible, and Avengers: Infinity War, throw one of them the Oscar, and not have to diminish the value of their most prestigious award. Naturally, the people revolted and the category never made it to the Oscars. This forced the hand of the Academy, and Black Panther is now nominated for Best Picture! What a joke. Here’s a hot take. THAT MOVIE BLOWS. It’s on Netflix and I can’t even bring myself to watch it again. I actually got 90 seconds in a couple weeks ago and promptly flipped over to Infinity War. Black Panther isn’t that good, shouldn’t be nominated, and makes the entire Academy look bad. Don’t nominate movies to pander to audiences. Continue to make us hate you. Well, I still hate you. So maybe you did a good job here.

PREDICTIONS

Here we go. Prediction time. I’m feeling good this year. The big six awards:

Best Supporting Actor: Mahershala Ali, Green Book
Everyone knows my A Star Is Born bias at this point and Sam Elliott was excellent, but if you think Ali isn’t going to win anything he’s nominated for at this point, you’re a moron. He has become an acting god where everything he touches turns to gold. Easy win. Emmy win for True Detective coming in September.

Best Supporting Actress: Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk
I was thinking about this one last week and I came to a realization. I’m pretty sure Lady Gaga is the only actress in A Star is Born to have more than 90 seconds of screen time. How wild is that?? Anyways, I’m hearing this isn’t even close. King takes it, despite some great performances by Adams, Stone, and Weisz.

Best Director: Bradley Cooper, A Star is Born
Don’t freak out. I know he’s not nominated, but hear me out. Alfonso Cuarón gets announced as Best Director for Roma, but only initially. He goes up on stage to accept the award but before he can start his speech, Lady Gaga rushes up on stage, knocks him out with a right hook, and re-awards the Oscar to Bradley. Foolproof prediction.

Best Actor: Bradley Cooper, A Star is Born
Fight me.

Best Actress: Lady Gaga, A Star is Born
FIGHT ME. This is the award for Best Actress in a Motion Picture for the past year. This is not a lifetime achievement award. That award literally exists already. I don’t care that Glenn Close has been nominated seven times. She was nominated once this year, same as Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga, who was unrecognizable in an incredible role in the best damn movie this year. Orange hair be damned, it’s Gaga’s year.

Best Picture: A Star is Born
FIGHT ME TO THE END OF TIME. Everyone just go away. I don’t want to hear it. Bohemian Rhapsody is garbage. Vice stinks. Roma isn’t in English. Green Book is really good, but it’s not A Star is Born. And what am I hearing now? It won’t win because it wasn’t promoted enough?! Get out. Just go. You’re wrong. Bradley and Gaga will be on stage at the end of the night, clutching the Oscar and proclaiming their love for one another.

Enjoy the night folks! Hopefully it doesn’t blow!!!

1. Occasionally really funny.
2. Cinematography, Film Editing, Live Action Short, and Makeup and Hairstyling.
3. I’m going to get let down.
4. Always Remember Us this Way